IT’S NOT FAIR TO ANYBODY

8.01.2023

it’s chaotic, it’s unedited…

I’ve always pushed myself too hard (with different results of course 😉 ) because I’m afraid if I won’t I’ll catch ‘a lazy bug’ and won’t be able to dig myself out of that hole and I’ll loose in whatever game Im playing … 

but it’s a dangerous game  she realised 😉

I just had a baby a month ago and before my son turn 1month 😉 I went to the studio twice to prep and to paint. I felt that it’s already been so long and he’s already so big and I need/want (these two blurred together) to go back to work. I was wrong;) Neither my son I big enough;) nor I want to. On top of everything I had a c-section so doing gymnastics around canvas is not something that you want to do 3weeks after. 

For me every week at home with a newborn felt like a month. Time stretched to infinity and I felt I stuck in something that doesn’t feel like my life. Couldn’t drive a car couldn’t listening to my fav music, I was irritated, and tired, and in pain.

I need to say it here clearly: I love my son, I love him to the pieces, I take care of him best I can, and we snuggle a lot 🙂 — it’s all good, don’t call social service. Im simply saying that it’s not all I am, and I guess I just needed to feel myself again, and show the world and myself that I can (whatever I meant by it)!! 

but… apparently what myself means these days is not what it used to… anyways…

I went back to the studio feeling happy, scattered ;), touched, guild and sad at the same time. Couldn’t properly focused and obviously wasn’t inspired at all. How can one be inspired when overtired with head filled with worry about the newborn. 

Again it took me a minute to realise I don’t want to be in the studio yet. It’s not fair to myself, to my baby and also (silly) to my audience to people who come here to buy the piece, to find inspiration, to experience, to be touched by the art. It’s not fair to anybody and it’s no fun that for sure. 

So I went back home, hug my baby and took a nap…